I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
