My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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