Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
