Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
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