I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
