please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
