How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
