I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
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