It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
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Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
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I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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