dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
This is the high leading the old right now
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
