oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I haven't been this sober since birth.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
