I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I touched a dick in church today
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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