He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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