I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
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It was like getting head from an anaconda
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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