My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
