Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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