I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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