he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
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I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
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He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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