a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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