D3 body, D1 cock
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
