I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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