The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
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just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
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Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
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