So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
