Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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