Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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