i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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