i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
