my phone needs a breathalizer
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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