In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Four minutes until I can fart!
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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