does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
is wine microwaveable?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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