My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
