You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Rumble strips road head = magical
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
