I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
