I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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