No awkward lesbian experiences without me
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
