saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
