it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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