quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
