This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
