my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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