A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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