i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.