I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
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her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
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Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.