i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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