White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
