oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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