Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
