It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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