I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
