is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
