Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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