i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
