Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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