Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
