I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
