when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Someone shattered a urinal.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
