Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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